https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog daily 0.75 2024-12-01 https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/matt-mcconnells-story monthly 0.5 2024-11-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/2bd0e896-de25-47c1-b7bd-fcd48afd4eb4/Matt%2C+Madeline%2C+Wren+23.4.22+%282%29.jpg #StillDads Blog - Matt McConnell’s Story - Wren Frances McConnell 15.4.22-23.4.22 https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/kelly-jean-philippe monthly 0.5 2024-08-27 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/0036cc0d-0745-496f-a296-4d8b0af94de4/IMG_6696.jpg #StillDads Blog - Kelly Jean-Philippe Story - There is nothing quite like being a dad. Before my son was born, I had reached a point in life where I was starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin as a person, as a man, a Chocolate-covered man. I had completed both undergraduate and graduate studies. I was beginning to find and define my purpose through my career path. After a few decades of financial instability, I was beginning to mature in my financial decisions and take more accountability for the years of poor financial practices. I was growing more and more comfortable looking back at my reflection in the mirror, appreciating the things that make me who I am: the good, the bad, and the really ugly. “I like this version of you, Kel”, I would say often; a thought rooted in the opposite end of the spectrum of what I had silently been telling myself for many years. Before my son was born, I was in a good place. Then he announced his arrival at about 02:30 – 02:45 on a Tuesday morning in late May 2020 when my wife’s water broke. About half a day later, the sum of my life’s trajectory revolutionized my world being bundled up in the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen staring back at me at about 14:33 later that same afternoon. I was quickly whisked away from my wife’s side to be at his side and comfort him. “Hey buddy, this is daddy… I’m right here with you”, I recall saying to him. His piercing crying voice rang like a gentle lullaby to my ears; but only that one time. I placed my right index finger in his palm, and the moment he grasped on to it with his tiny little fingers, not only did he immediately stop crying, but the very pillars and paradigms of who I thought myself to be as a person, a man, a chocolate-covered man, fundamentally shifted and changed. I was really, truly a dad! The journey to getting to that point was challenging. Embedded in my cultural and religious context is the expectation that when a man and a woman marry, they are to reproduce almost immediately. Marry today, pump out kids tomorrow. But obviously that’s not how this works. The factors of what it takes to conceive a single human life are nuanced, complex, and mysterious. There are those who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars seeking alternate treatments to be able to conceive a life but to no avail. Others have a much smoother path. But it goes further and deeper than just biological processes, although that’s a huge part. And in my experience, I’ve been reminded of just how painful, traumatizing, and numbing it can be time and time again. Within a year of being married, my wife and I were quietly eating dinner at out dining room table when she surprised me with a decorative gift bag. “This is for you”, she said smiling at the puzzled look on my face. We were accustomed to randomly gifting each other things, so I’m not quite sure why I was so puzzled in this occasion. Inside the bag was a white newborn onesie with lettering that read “You’re Going To Be A Dad” printed across its front. I let out a shout of joy so loud that I might have created a new category of decibels. And I ran around our dining room so fast, I would have made the great Usain Bolt seem pedestrian. That joy cannot be described. Trying to contain it in words almost feels sacrilegious and profane. My wife and I hugged and kissed. We were going to be parents! When the time came for our first ultrasound appointment, I was confident, optimistic, but measured. Somewhere along the way someone might have said something to the effect of a couple’s first pregnancy having a higher probability of being nonviable; or as said someone might have put it: not “sticking”. The stupid things some people say. More stupidly, I tucked that in the back of my mind going into this first ultrasound and reasoned that in the worst-case scenario I wouldn’t be surprised; after all it might not “stick” since it’s our first pregnancy. The stupid things some people believe. Sure enough, the pregnancy was not viable, and sometime after my wife went through an emotionally and physically taxing procedure to remove from her body who would have been our first baby. I did not know how to support my wife. She shut down for several weeks and I couldn’t understand why. And my not knowing was not only due to not ever having been through something like that before; my thinking was, “What’s the big deal? We already knew the first pregnancy might not stick…” Because that was my thinking, I prevented myself from caring for my wife because of what her body went through. I was unable to acknowledge, validate, and honor the trauma she’d experienced physically and, more importantly, emotionally and psychologically. We got through that block of time and found ourselves expecting again a healthy amount of time after the first instance. I tucked away the onsie my wife had originally given me after our first pregnancy loss, but now that we were expecting again, the onesie returned. I would sleep with it under my pillow and have it with me in the same way a child would walk around dragging a comfy blanket. If the first pregnancy had a high probability of not being viable, surely—I thought—this time I am going to be a dad. My unbridled excitement materialized manifested in my subconscious in the form of a very vivid dream where I saw a woman, who in the dream was my wife, giving birth to a beautiful baby girl with bright ocean/sky-blue eyes (it was a white woman and a white baby in the dream). The real emotions I felt were what awoke me. I might have shed a tear of joy waking up from that dream. To me that was confirmation: I was having a baby, and she will be a girl! I went again with my wife to our ultrasound appointment. Nonviable. I was devastated. My dream was just that, a dream. I felt something akin to the way I think my wife had previously felt and was again feeling. Again, she would have to undergo that painful and traumatizing procedure, but this time my painfully shattered expectations bridged me to what she had been feeling all this time since our first loss. We were both emotionally dealing with a lot as I sat in that closet of a room with her, waiting for the medical team to take her back to the procedure room to remove from her who would have been our second baby. The main physician walked in, a man; and his assistant with him, a woman. I sat in a corner almost perpendicular to where my wife was, about an arm’s reach from the door, and surrounded by white walls on all four sides. The physician walked right in front of me and completely ignored my existence and presence in the room. He sat with his back to me and made no attempt to acknowledge my being physically there. His assistant was more cultured and acknowledged me with eye contact and a smile. The physician said his piece and walked out. If you were to ask him, I functioned as his shadow against the white wall. I felt powerless. I felt invisible. I felt worthless. My grief and pain were not validated, and perhaps not even valid, I felt. My wife was the patient. End of story. In many ways, I acknowledge that perhaps these are the ways I made my wife feel the first time around. That’s a sobering thought. In her emotional angst she said these words I’ll never forget: “Instead of producing life, I feel like my womb is a place for death.” The third time was indeed the charm. We are finally parents! The journey we’ve been on with my son is nothing short of beautiful, life-changing, exciting, frustrating, tiring, challenging, rewarding, and everything in between. It’s madness, both in the warm and fuzzy as well as the pulling-my-hair-out sense. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. We talked about and decided we would try for a second child to give our son a sibling, and our little family would be complete. Because of all that my wife’s body has gone through, I suggested that after our next and final child, I would get a vasectomy so that she shouldn’t have to put her body through any more trauma. We tried again, and my wife became pregnant. Because of our history, we were more tempered with the news of the pregnancy and decided to approach it one step at a time. Having a child this time around alleviated a lot of the weight of going through this again. However, we were back in familiar territory as the pregnancy was not viable. We were disappointed, hurt, and beginning to feel numb. But we were stronger as a couple now. I knew how to talk to her and check in on how she was feeling in order to be more supportive. As we nearing the time for her to undergo the procedure to remove from her body who would have been our fourth child, we experienced a new form of trauma in our own home. I was upstairs in our bedroom and my wife was in the powder room on the main level of our house when she called out to me in distress, “Babe! It’s happening!” I ran down the stairs to find her lying on the floor of the powder room naked, blood everywhere. She was in pain as her body was beginning to discharge the non-life inside of her. I could do nothing but watch in horror. She cried. I cried. I tried my best to do whatever I thought would be helpful, so I began fanning her with an unopened envelope I found on our kitchen counter, but by virtue of the tight space, I was suffocating her space. She asked me to get a fan we had in a nearby room instead, and I found a slice of purpose in complying with that. She cried. I cried. The scene was horrific. I felt powerless and almost useless. We cancelled our plans to go to work that morning, and I quickly went to drop off our son at my in-laws, speeding back home to be with my wife. I found her still lying on the floor in pain and discomfort, still crying. I lay next to her on the floor and cried with her. The thought of trying again was terrifying to me. All these instances, with the exception of having our son, were moments I suffered in silence, alone. My wife preferred we not tell anyone within our circles when we were expecting during those pregnancies until it was confirmed viable. And given that three of the four were nonviable, no one knew what we were going through. No one knew what I was going through or had gone through. I was there to support my wife; albeit imperfectly at times, but I did not have that person for my support on the other hand. I still carry the pain of two of our three losses with me to this day. I don’t blame or resent my wife in any way, let that be clear. But when we talked about trying one final time, I asked for the rules change. She agreed. So we tried again. I write all this fresh off the news that our most recent, and final attempt at conceiving a second child, is most likely nonviable; a likelihood my wife’s doctor holds strongly as the most probably case scenario. Only one week ago as of the time of this writing, my wife was at an ultrasound when she texted me a video of “our little fish”; fish because the blob with the heartbeat she saw on the monitor had the shape of a fish, according to her. So, I named who would have been our fifth baby “Nemo”. And yesterday, April 20, 2022, I stood next to my wife in the ultrasound room holding her hand, anxious but hopeful that I would see and hear my Nemo’s heartbeat, only to be told by the physician that she fears this pregnancy, too, is nonviable. I cried. As of right now and given our history, this is it for us in terms of attempting for a second child. In real time, writing this, I feel like I’ve failed my wife and let down my son by being unable to gift him a sibling. I know my wife would disagree with me that I’ve failed her, but that is the feeling that lingers inside of me, 24 hours later. Empirically, I know it’s not my fault, and that the factors for what it takes to conceive a human life are nuanced, complex, and mysterious…Experientially, this is a tough pill to swallow… And I don’t know what to do with that. By Kelly Jean-Philippe, April 21, 2022 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Kelly Jean-Philippe Story https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/kieran-anders monthly 0.5 2024-08-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/bcb80abb-340b-4df4-9e2d-1e27120b5748/image002.jpg #StillDads Blog - Kieran Anders Story - Hey, it’s kieran… I’d like to share some of my dad story with you, if you’ll bear with me. I was 19 years old when I became a dad. I wasn’t expecting it, neither of us were, but it happened, out of the blue, our daughter Emma was born. She didn’t live very long, she had an infection called group B strep. It was really traumatic for us both, and everyone around us. Emma’s mum was just 17, and neither of us knew she was pregnant. She went through something I couldn’t ever imagine and how she is as strong as she is now amazes me everyday. Giving birth and not knowing what was happening, and then seeing your child and not being able to help must’ve been really harrowing and I wish, everyday, that I could have shared that huge burden. Looking back I was ignoring my well-being, and trying to focus on supporting my partner, but I realise now I needed to be ok to be able to do that. If I had taken time to look after myself and acknowledge my struggles, I would have been better able to help the other people around me who were suffering. I didn’t speak to anyone about it at the time. We didn’t really speak to each other. I’d been advised not to bring it up in case I upset my partner, and because I wanted her to be ok, and because I wanted to avoid talking about my feelings, I didn’t. It seemed natural to not talk about it and at 18 I didn’t talk about anything emotional. I was never offered any support from the services around us, nor was I asked how I was by anyone. I’m not sure how I would’ve felt about that anyway, I wanted my partner to be ok, so it could’ve felt pretty unwelcome. I didn’t see Emma, never held her, although I had the opportunity to. I did spend some time with her before the funeral, just on my own, talking. Her mum also had some photos, which I loved to see, but It didn’t feel real, like an abstract situation that I was managing for other people. I guess it still feels a bit like that now, looking back on someone else’s life. A couple of years later we had our next daughter, Dharma. It was then that I found out a bit more detail about how Emma had died. There were bright yellow stickers all over the Midwives notes when I attended antenatal appointments that said GBS – and I asked what it meant. Until then I only knew it had been an infection. My partner was told she should have antibiotics during labour, but then also told she could have them orally as she had a pretty severe needle phobia. It was only when we were sat after inducing that we realised she hadn’t had the antibiotics. It was a real challenge. The obstetrician was abrupt and dismissive of my partner’s panic at having to have an IV and she didn’t have one in the end. My daughter Dharma and her mum had to stay in the hospital under observation for a few days. I could only see them during visiting times, and felt so out of the loop. My partner needed me, and I was prevented from being there. During the labour I was terrified. What if it happened again, how would I support my partner? How would I cope with losing another baby. I felt so overwhelmed, seeing my partner in so much distress with labour and with the pressure from the doctors about the antibiotics. She was really suffering. I felt helpless. A similar situation happened when we had our youngest, Erin. There were mixed messages from Midwives and obstetricians, and my partner ended up being distraught over not having a drip – I was again distressed at the prospect of losing another baby, but torn with feelings of love and support for my partner who had to be feeling worse than I ever would. Visiting times were much better, I could and did stay all day until they were ready to come home. I’m happy to say both Dharma and Erin are doing well, 21 and 14 years old. It’s been nearly 26 years since Emma was born. I still don’t talk about her much, although I talk to her often. I think about who she would have been, how her sisters would have looked up to her, and what her talents would have been. Even though she wasn’t with us, I was a dad, and I called myself a dad. I had her name tattooed on my ankle but kept it hidden for a number of years. Even now the awkwardness of explaining who she is when someone sees it is sometimes unbearable. I still feel totally out of my depth when I think about supporting Emma’s mum, or even talking with her about it. I wish I’d done a lot differently, or could feel and act differently. I suppose that’s why I’m sharing this article. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed, out of your depth and unimportant. You need to talk about it, with anyone who’ll listen. I first shared this in 2019 because after 21 years, I realised I need to talk about it, and more importantly I feel comfortable doing so! It’s getting easier, but I know I should have shared this sooner, with more people and not tried to hide away how it affected me. One of the main reasons I feel so passionate about supporting dads through Dad Matters is that I had a pretty traumatic time; experiencing perinatal loss and then traumatic labour, and all I wanted to do then, and now, was to be able to support the mother of my babies, who was going through far more than I was. I wish I’d known then that looking after myself was the only way to be able to support my family. I want to help other dads to know how important they are, to their partners, their babies and in their own right! It’s ok to not be ok, and you don’t have to be strong all the time! I’m not with my partner now, but she knows I’m sharing this. It has been difficult for both of us over the years, but it could’ve been so much easier if only I’d have been able to talk. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Kieran Anders Story https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/1c76ea22-4852-4eae-9376-3c01ba06e7e4/Dad-matters-Logo-New-1-300x300.png #StillDads Blog - Kieran Anders Story - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/james-hibbard monthly 0.5 2024-04-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - James Hibbard’s Story https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/48d4d0ae-4349-4ebe-a91b-8ccf1ceccecb/image0.jpeg #StillDads Blog - James Hibbard’s Story - I thought it was time to share my story of grief following the death of my daughter Pip Hibbard in December 2020. My wife Laura and me had been very lucky to have our first child Bertie in 2018. When Covid lockdown came around, with a bit more free time on our hands we were over the moon to find out that we were pregnant with our second child. The pregnancy had gone well and we had gone into hospital for a 28 week scan when the doctor discovered that our daughter Pip had a heart beat of 47 bpm. My wife has an autoimmune disorder called Sjogren’s syndrome, there are many complications to this, and we were aware that some can affect babies during pregnancy, however often this happens with your first born. After initial laughing and joking about our daughter being an athlete (just like her parents) the seriousness of the events kicked in when the consultant was talking about delivery. Luckily our consultant spotted that although Pip had a really low heart beat she wasn’t showing any signs of distress so we were transferred to Birmingham Women's Hospital Fetal Medicine Centre for ongoing weekly monitoring and care. Pip fought really hard for another 6 weeks baffling our consultants showing no signs of distress or heart failure. At 34 weeks Pip's movements slowed down so the decision was made, our little girl would make an appearance on 10th December via C-section. We knew Pip would have a tough start to life as she needed to have a pacemaker fitted once delivered. The large medical team from Birmingham Women's and Children's hospitals were assembled and the delivery, transfer and pacemaker operation went better than we could ever have imagined. We thought at this point we were out of the woods whilst acknowledging that Pip still had a long road to full health. However, nothing could prepare us for the next 12 hours. After fighting with all of her might for so long Pip passed due to complications with her blood pressure she was 23 hrs old. The next few hours and weeks were a blur of emotion not really knowing what to do. The team at the Childrens hospital were great and having dealt with this many times were compassionate and able to lead us through the process. They gave us a Lily Mae memory box and helped us through some of those early stages of grief and loss. Initially I found it really strange that they wanted to take pictures for us of beautiful Pip, and to make memories with her, however now these are things that we look back on, although difficult, we hold them with love and compassion. During those early weeks we were back in semi lockdown conditions but we met with Amy and Ryan on walks to discuss our feelings and to try and come to terms with our loss. from that initial memory box we have taken advantage of all of the Lily Mae has to offer due to their caring and compassionate manor that they work with. We have used their monthly meet ups as a way to talk with others in our situation, fundraising events to give back to the charity and also the rainbow baby groups, a real support network once we had conceived again. As Bertie has started to grow up he has also started to take part in some of the sibling support groups, this is really helping him understand his loss from a young age. Pip will always be in our hearts and those of her brother Bertie and little sister Margot. https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/jack-taylor monthly 0.5 2024-04-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/fedbbaa6-bc05-4f66-98f9-200ad0ed48e4/image0+%282%29.jpeg #StillDads Blog - Jack Taylor’s Story - We found out Elle was expecting in May 2016, after briefly discussing trying for another baby. We already had our 2 year old Daughter Isabella, but having already experienced two miscarriages prior, pregnancy was already a worry for us. But nothing could have prepared us for what was to come. Having attended our 12 week scan, and being nervous as anything we heard those words every parent wants to hear. “ Here is your baby” But after the sonographer checking for a couple of minutes, he explained to us that our baby had an enlarged bladder. Which was unusual for this stage. He explained it could be nothing, but that it could also be linked with a chromosomal abnormality, and that we would have to go to Birmingham Women’s hospital for further checks. A few days after we got scanned at Birmingham. The bladder had gone back to it’s normal size, however our baby kidneys looked as though they had been damaged, by what could have been a blockage. They were confident it didn’t need any invasive testing but they would have regular scans to check. At our 20 week scan, our consultant was happy that our baby was growing well and that the amniotic fluid was as it should be, and referred us back to our local hospital to carry on scans there. We understood our baby may need some extra testing when he was born, but everything was starting to look up! I remember Elle telling her Mum that she didn’t feel he was as active in the womb as what Isabella was, and that she had this doubt in her mind that something else was going to happen. At our 28 week scan was where it all changed, because of the previous issues with the bladder & the kidneys, every scan was in so much detail that we couldn’t really keep track of what they were looking at. Although this time felt so much different, they were spending so much time, looking closer and re-checking everything. I remember looking at Elle and we just knew something was wrong. He later explained that there was a problem with our baby heart & brain and suggested we had an mri scan to get a better understanding. I remember the heartbreak of hearing Elle say We won’t be taking our baby home” Those words will live with me forever, knowing I couldn’t make it right for Elle, Isabella & of course Oscar is heartbreaking. At 30 weeks they confirmed our fears and more, our baby boy had a cyst filling one of the ventricles in his brain, a discrepancy in his heart chambers, extra digits on each had and almost definitely blind. All of this was linked to a condition called Patau’s syndrome, which having been tested was a 1 : 26000 chance. Our whole world fell apart, how could this happen. Why? How do we explain to our daughter Isabella that we won’t be bringing her baby brother home. We made the most difficult decision ever, to let our baby boy go to sleep in mummy’s tummy, we felt we had to protect him from any more pain or suffering. We felt he would be most at peace, with mummy. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, but also like it was forever ago. It is such a strange feeling. Our boy was born on 7th December 2016 at 17:20 It was so hard to understand how poorly he was because he just looked perfect. For many months & years after I still struggle. I always ask myself…. Why Oscar? Why us? I’ve gone through a lot of mental health problems, and still struggle to this day. The hardest thing I will ever have to do is carry Oscar to his funeral, our son! No parent should have to do that! You will forever be our boy. We Love You x https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Jack Taylor’s Story https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/ali-abbas monthly 0.5 2024-04-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Ali Abbas’ Story https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/6cf032e4-7129-407f-b58b-0254c6b2c614/Ali+Abbas+-+Still+Dads+campaign #StillDads Blog - Ali Abbas’ Story - Experiencing a heart attack at the age of 37, just a day before my birthday, was merely one of the less distressing days of 2022, which speaks volumes about that year. It was August 26th, a Friday during a bank holiday weekend. My little girl was gone before she had a chance to meet her brother, her mum or me. Let's rewind a little to the 20 week scan a few weeks earlier and we went into the hospital bickering about finding out the gender of our baby, I already knew she was going to be a girl. And then, the world stopped and so did my heart it felt like. "I'm really sorry" is how the sentence started, the rest of what the sonographer said was a blur. A few excruciating weeks went by where it felt like a death by a thousand cuts. At first we were told she had a bleed on the brain, then slowly it was more clear that what she actually had was a brain tumour. And it was growing rapidly. A few weeks before she passed we had a choice to make. Continue the pregnancy and risk my wife's life in the process, or terminate. My wife wasn't having any of it. "She will go on her terms not mine" she said. And I agreed to support her come what may. Internally I was dying slowly. The prospect of losing not only my child but my wife, and the thought of down the line explaining to my son why I didn't step in to save his mum from dying? I used to stand in the shower crying, hiding it from everyone. It's hard enough trying to process losing your child, but potentially losing your wife at the same time? I used to look at my son and think ignorance truly is bliss in life. The moment came, her heart stopped beating and that hurt will forever be etched in my heart. Not being able to protect your child, to take their pain away, make things better. Isn't that what you do as a parent? The second most painful thing ever was having to bury my child. Leaving her in the cemetery and walking away is a pain like no other. And then came the emptiness and anger. There was a lot of anger. Not at life, but at doctors and hospitals and the utter lack of compassion. Anger consumed me for a while. But my wife being the woman she is made me open up to a complete bunch of strangers, she literally dragged me there and I thank her for it. As a man, you don't know how to express emotions and feelings. Especially as an Asian man. It isn't something we do. Not about things like this. Time doesn't heal, time just passes. You just learn to deal with your feelings of hurt and pain and loss. People don't say the right things, they say what they think they should. But you learn to find positives and accept that what is meant to be in life will always be. Because if you don't, you're left wondering "what did I do to deserve this?" Well, if not you, then who? https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/richard-gardner monthly 0.5 2024-04-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Richard Gardner’s Story https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/6e73fa2d-8ce7-4f21-a4eb-be8dca73f9b6/RICHARD+GARDNER+-++%23STILLDADS+SM+SERIES.png #StillDads Blog - Richard Gardner’s Story - My journey with baby loss has been one of two parts, the absolute joy and pride of becoming a father to our amazing little girl Emma and the second part being total devastation and bewilderment. In early 2022 my wife to be sat me down and gave me their news that we were expecting. We were delighted and my pride took me straight into Dad mode. Over the following 9 months we had an amazing time learning what it takes to be mom and dad. We had a lot of fun at, anti-natal classes, painting furniture for Emma’s room and learning we were having a little girl. An image I will always treasure is Emma, her mom and I sat on the sofa watching Emma kicking and wriggling around like she did most evenings and early mornings. Another thing I will cherish is a 3d scan video made the day after our wedding which shows her yawning her head off. On Monday 17th October 2022, a couple of days before Emma’s due date we noticed some changes in Emma’s movements. Arriving at the hospital we were blissfully unaware of what was coming. After scanning with the doppler for what seemed like an eternity we received the most haunting words I’ve ever heard “I’m so sorry there is no heartbeat”. How we felt can’t be explained in this short post but I’ve heard it summed up as “The deafening silence”. Over the next five days Emma’s mom has forever humbled me as we went through an extremely difficult and long labour. We worked through it as a team and despite the heartache there were many beautiful moments. Emma Gardner was born on Friday 21st October at 1.42am and she was perfect. Dark black hair which I’d never imagined, perfect lips and the cutest little nose. She was definitely the image of her mom. Thanks to the Lily Mae Foundation we were gifted a Memory box. The memory box means the world to us we have some precious memories of our beautiful girl. Emma, I will never understand why this had to happen to us. Even though I can’t hold you in my arms I hold you in my heart every minute of every day and I’m convinced that you’re cheering anyu (mom) and apu (dad) on all the way. We keep your light shining everyday and you have touched many, many lives because thats the huge soul you are. You are our sunshine and we are so proud of you. x https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/matt-whitehouse monthly 0.5 2024-04-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Matt Whitehouse’s Story https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/d80b1258-9365-4dba-98ca-6e0c616bdd8d/Matt+Whitehouse+%23STILLDADS+SM+SERIES.png #StillDads Blog - Matt Whitehouse’s Story - Me and my wife Krystal got married on 27th May 2015, and we already knew that our next stage would lead us to starting a family. We were excited, thinking about the future and what that would look like, and talking about everything we thought was normal for a couple who were planning for a newborn. 1st June 2016 is a day that will live with us forever. Our pregnancy with Callie had been called 'textbook' by all the medical people we had contact with throughout. They had said that if you could build a pregnancy ours would be it. On that morning, Krystal was in hospital and had been kept overnight as a precaution but nothing serious. Callie was kicking about inside her at 8.00am and then by 9.29am she had passed away. She was born alive at 9.02am and lived for 27 minutes. The feelings and emotions that come over you when you are told that you have lost a baby are like nothing I can describe. Our whole world had been blown to pieces and we just did not know which way to turn. This beautiful, innocent bundle of joy who had done nothing to the world had fought bravely but had sadly passed away. I stand by the fact that the human brain is not built to understand baby loss. All of our hopes and dreams had been dashed and our world had been turned upside down in such a short period of time. We had got to 38 weeks and 5 days with Callie, and when she was born she was absolutely perfect in every way. She is our first born and will be forever. Callie Francine Whitehouse is a name that will live on, we are so proud of her and as her father I love her more every day. She is part of me and will be until the day I meet her again. I will always feel that this is so unfair on everyone connected to this tragic event. However I will feel sorry for Callie forever. She had done nothing wrong and did not deserve what happened to her. All I can do now is live my life the best way I possibly can for her, I try to do that every day. The legacy she has left behind is absolutely incredible and I am so proud to call her my daughter. Callie, we love you angel, and we know that you are watching over us every day, helping us to be better people. We love you to the moon and back. X https://www.stillparentspodcast.co.uk/stilldads-blog/ryan-jackson monthly 0.5 2024-04-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/499ee6a8-f800-4d11-8446-3fa06f26bd10/Supported+by+Global%27s+Make+Some+Noise+logo.jpg #StillDads Blog - Ryan Jackson’s Story https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6373b79311eb221a6831c2c7/097501e4-a83c-4908-b755-a433f1e3f946/%23STILLDADS+blog #StillDads Blog - Ryan Jackson’s Story - Why Lily Mae? Friday 5th February 2010, the day our family’s lives turned upside down. Sunday 7th February 2010 a day that should have brought so much joy, but instead brought so much pain and sadness. The days we questioned why? Why us? Why Lily Mae? A little girl so innocent, so vulnerable and so small. Our little girl, taken from us within the blink of an eye. From the day Amy and I knew we were going to have another baby we were so excited and couldn’t wait to tell people the good news. Everyone who knows Amy and I knew that we so desperately wanted a baby girl, but as long as the baby was healthy we would be happy. We couldn’t wait and every time we went to a scan or we heard Lily Mae’s heart beat we were so proud, proud to be a mummy and daddy again. We used to imagine what our lives would be like and the fun and games that we would play with Alfie. Alfie would be a big brother that would look after her and protect her throughout school and as she grew older. Throughout my life I dreamed of being able to walk my daughter down the aisle to a man that loved her as much as I would but sadly I will not be able to do this. Even in the saddest of days at Lily Mae’s funeral, I wanted to take that walk with Lily Mae as it would be my last with her making me the proudest daddy in the world, enabling me to say that this is my daughter, Lily Mae. That is why it was important to me to carry Lily Mae into the church; The hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do in my life. In such a short space of time Lily Mae was able to touch so many lives. My life, Amy’s and Alfie’s lives will never be the same but Lily Mae will have a lasting effect on all those family and friends who met her. The moments that Amy and I had with her will be cherished forever. There was a lot of Alfie in her. Her lips shaped the same, a tiny nose and ears and the ability to leave you wanting more when you held and hugged her. We sang her Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and I am sure that she will have heard us singing it. Lily Mae will never grow old and will always stay forever young. Somebody told Amy and I that ‘even the smallest of feet have the power to leave everlasting footprints upon this world’. You definitely did that Lily Mae and you will always be in our thoughts for the rest of our lives. Those who live in the hearts of others will never die and I promise you that you will always be in our hearts. Good night god bless Lily Mae we all love you and always will. One day we will be together again but until that day sleep tight. 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